These tips are from my personal view and opinion. You are in no way entitled to follow these, this is just what I learned from my experience :)
1. If you are adopted or not, I would suggest not to refer to someones birth parents as their "real parents." I get that a lot and it always bothers me. I do not have "real parents," I have birth and adoptive parents. They're both as real as ever :) 2. If you are a parent who is going to or adopted a young child who may not be of age to really understand what is going on, start telling them as early as possible. For me, my parents started early and from a young age, I knew and I was comfortable with it. 3. For you parents out there, try and understand how your child may feel. I know I was always curious about where I really came from and who my birth parents were. My parents were really good and would sit down and talk with me if I ever needed anything or had any questions.
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Studies have shown that adopted children may struggle with self-esteem and identity development issues more so than their non-adopted peers. Identity issues are of particular concern for teenagers who are aware that they are adopted and even more so, for those adopted in a closed or semi-open circumstance. Such children often wonder why they were given up for adoption. They may also wonder about what their birth family looks like, acts like, does for a living, etc. (They may struggle with the knowledge that they may have a whole other family "out there" including half-siblings or extended family members that they may never meet.)
Guilt feelings may accompany such identity issues and concerns. Adopted children may feel as though they are betraying their adoptive family and/or that they will hurt their adoptive family by expressing their desire to learn about their birth family In a best case scenario, adopted children do not have to wonder how their adoptive family members feel about their interest in their birthparents because adoptive parents will have addressed these concerns directly in previous conversation. Even in such a best-case scenario, the emotions may still be somewhat painful or difficult. Adoptees want you to know their experience is real and that no one can “fix” it. It’s difficult for parents to see their children struggle with the complexities of adoption. They want to make things better and alleviate suffering. Parents cannot eliminate the pain of their child’s past experience. However, they can provide a safe place for their child to explore current feelings about adoption at various stages of life in order to help their child feel the experience more fully. The adoptee wants and needs validation of their feelings, and a compassionate presence. They want to know it’s always okay to talk about adoption and ask questions.
It’s helpful when parents have done their own psychological work before adopting and continue to be aware of their on-going experience as it relates to adoption. It’s important for adoptive parents to grieve their inability to conceive a biological child if this is why they chose to adopt. Adoption is not a substitute for having a biological child nor is it a way of “replacing” a child who dies. Adoption IS one of many ways to make a family.
For teens, young adults, or even someone who just wants to read about the whole adoption experience, it's great to know what's going on from both perspectives. Your birth parents, no matter who you are, never gave you up for adoption because they didn't want you or "you were a mistake." They do it because they know you deserve a better life and they unfortunately couldn't give it to you. Completing this project means more kids who don’t have to feel ashamed of their past. Adoptive families benefit when parents continue to educate themselves on relevant issues related to adoption and access support when necessary. Many places now have various support groups for all members of the adoption community.
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